What the hell happened???

Many of you have read my previous entries about Frosty...also known as "BAD PUPPY!"...our latest addition to the family. When we got her at 8 weeks old, she was extremely cute. (Insert big AWWWWWWWWW here). That cuteness was a clever disguise for one of the most obnoxious small animals on the planet. This is no dog...this is a chewing MACHINE. She has destroyed shoes, phone chargers, clothing, coffee tables, pillows, comforters, toys, etc. etc. But...dang she's cute there, isn't she? Very deceiving.

She's a teenager now. She's turned from "puppy most likely to appear on a calendar page" to "Frosty the DOOFERANIAN"! What the hell happened? How does something so cute turn into a gangly, wild eyed, claw skittering maniac? The only good part is that she's currently lost most of her teeth as her adult teeth grow in and currently our shoes and personal undergarments and remaining furniture is safe. Hopefully when those new teeth grow in, she'll be less inclinded to chew on things (read as...'eat everything in sight like a GOAT').

Which reminds me (*SNORT*)...

I hate it when I snort when I laugh...anyway..that story reminds me of one of the first times that Joe and I went to Door County. We stay in a pretty nice condo that has a pretty nice tub with really nice bubbly air jet things in it. Supposed to soothe the achy muscles. I thought I'd take a nice bubble bath and off I went with my bottle of Chardonnay, a glass, a book and my shower gel. I was running the water and dumped in a healthy amount of the shower gel, dimmed the lights and poured my wine...I think Joe was watching television....and slithered into the tub. Nice! Took a drink of wine settled back in the bubbles with my book. Very nice! More wine, a little reading. I noticed the switch on the wall for the tub jets. I leaned over and turned it on and HOLY BRADY BUNCH EPISODE!! There were INSTANT mountains of bubbles! Of course I was half hooched up by that time so I just sat in the tub and laughed like a moron...which must have been disturbing to Joe who knew I was in there alone. I had bubbles TALLER THAN ME in that bathroom. It was totally excellent.

Best 1.67 I've ever spent

Emma, like most four year old girls, is a big fan of princesses. Slap a picture of a princess on just about anything and she's all over it. Princess fruit snacks, princess underwear, princess toothbrushes, princess pajamas, etc. etc. Ad Nauseum. Last night's big hit was Princess Bubble Bath. I took the bubble bath out of the Target bag and her jaw dropped open like I had just given her the answers to all of life's great mysteries. (Insert heavenly music here....) PRINCESS BUBBLE BATH!!!! She was fairly dancing by bathtime in anticipation. Turns out it doesn't take much princess bubble bath to make a princess's bath very bubbly. I dumped in a couple of capfuls and sort of had to beat the bubbles back into submission before she could get into the tub. I'm still not sure if I got all the bubbles off of her...she gets caught in a rainstorm today and she'll be nothing but a pile of pink foam.

Squirrely or Eater Morning

Easter morning was relatively normal at our house. Eggs (jeez I think those are still in fridge...got pitch those today before I poison someone), candy, toys, breakfast. The usual stuff. My parents invited us to their house for Easter dinner in the afternoon. Dad called me late in the morning and told me that he had hidden eggs outside. He was pretty eggcited (hahahahahahha...sorry...I can't pass up a pun). Anyway...he wanted to let me know so that I brought my camera, etc. Actually I think he was just all wound up and had to tell someone.

So. Later in the afternoon we're there and Emma and her cousin Sean are hunting eggs in the backyard like crazy people. Dad has hidden most of the eggs in plain view. That's good because when he gets really clever at hiding he has to make a map and that takes a good part of a day and a protractor and a slide rule. ANYWAY...they are hunting eggs and Emma says..."Oh..this one's broken" . She brings it over and we sort of just pass it off and tell her someone must have stepped on it in the excitement. Dad knows just how many eggs he's hidden....and we come up two short. Now he's mad at himself for not making a map. Then he thinks maybe he's miscounted eggs. We all make a couple laps around the backyard and find nothing else. So we go in and have dinner (that's another story....).

After dinner and the associated drama that goes with it...I take the kids outside to play with bubbles they got in their baskets. Take the camera...figure I'll get some cute shots. While I'm walking around the back yard (my parents have a wooded back yard...lots of oak trees that are very mature) I notice a small hole that has been freshly dug. I mean a really small hole about the size of a REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP...which is exactly what is IN the small hole...only just the WRAPPER. And a few inches away...an orange plastic egg that has been pried open by TINY PAWS. The SQUIRRELS have STOLE some of the eggs and the broken one? On examination...not broken at all! CHEWED....itty bitty tooth marks and scratches around the end that has been removed! Of course this cracked me up and I had to take a picture of it because not only do they eat my mother's pumpkins at Halloween, ruin her flowers and chew through her bird feeders, but now they are messing with EASTER. I take the picture evidence into the house and tell Mom who in true Easter joy and spirit yells...... " BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!".

The DMV...part two.

Well. After a long hiatus (read as...I couldn't find the power cord to the lap top and was too lazy to sit at the computer at the desk) I'm back. And...no surprise to many of you who know how I operate...up until today, I STILL had not taken care of the driver's license issue! I have about a kabillion and one excuses that would bore you to tears. What's much more interesting is the visit to the DMV that I had today.

I took the day off to go to a doctor's appointment. I had decided that today would be THE DAY to solve the license issue. I was going to SIT there in that DMV, no matter HOW long it took until I walked out of there with a drivers license. The problem started with last night. Could NOT find that paper thing that they send you in the mail to renew your license that I was SURE I had at the last visit to the DMV. I tore the house apart AGAIN. Resolving with every drawer full of paperwork that I was going to reorganize everything!

I never did find it. I took all my various assorted identification papers with me though because I was determined to prove that I was indeed who I said I was! I had the new social security card, old drivers license, utility bill, work ID, voters ID, pay stub and was willing to give a piece of a kidney as long as I got that damn license. I pulled into the parking lot and it was filled with cars. Not a good sign. "Employees!" I told myself! Right..you and I both know that there are no more than TWO people working at the DMV at any one time! I tried to think positive until I got to the double doors to get in...and saw the line extending far into the lobby.

The lady in front of me turns around and says "My neighbor was here yesterday for FOUR hours". I just stood there. Stunned. She says "someone said there are two people on vacation and two people at lunch". I blinked stupidly. I tried to do the math in my head...there were about 12 people ahead of me...let's say they each take ten minutes at the counter...there are only two counters open and....at that moment I wanted to weep. I wasn't even really in line yet! I was in the line to get a number so that I could stand in line! A lady with hair that had to have been housing a family of marmosets (see picture) was running the counter and was merrily answering every phone call that came in while holding up one well manicured finger to the people in line and mouthing "one moment please".

Finally, some of the wayward workers who had been at lunch returned. The line started to move...I brightened up a little! They opened another counter! HOORAY! They starting pulling people out of line who were just there for license stickers! YES! The phone stopped ringing and the lady behind the counter really started moving! I finally got a number and sat down holding my folder of identification documents. I was feeling a bit better! Maybe I'd be out of there before it got dark! (It was 1 PM)

Cut to...ME...an hour later. I still hadn't been called. By this time I'm all slouchy in my hard plastic chair and I'm thinking of starting some sort of revolt. The people behind the counter move slower and slower. They frankly just don't care. Or are so completely jaded that they CAN'T CARE...or, more likely, they are enjoying this little power trip. People are STILL standing in line waiting to get numbers to join the rest of us who now have numbers and are waiting to be called. I idly punch my iTouch hoping that I can find a button that will hit the lady with the puffy hair in the forehead with a laser beam. The lady next to me gets called...everybody just sort of shifts in their seat and glares at the front counter. The lady must be about 140 and she falls onto me as she stands up. "I'm so nervous!" She twitters. "Good LUCK!" I said as I steady her on her feet. Her son, sitting two chairs away, leans over to me and whispers..."she's flunked the driving test twice...she hasn't got a chance in HELL." I get the feeling he's relieved somehow.

NOW SERVING B226! HEY HEY...that's me! I practically sprint to the counter and dump the contents of the folder in front of the lady with the JiffyPop hair. She listens patiently, pushes a few of the papers around and nods. I mouth "THANK YOU" at the end of my long speech about no days off and social security cards and red tape and homeland security. She gets out one of those massive stampers and stamps a bunch of stuff, tells me I owe her ten dollars and tells me I'm done. I say "no jail?" She says "nope...but you're lucky you didn't get a ticket". I blather something about luck, blah blah..but she's already taken off down the counter to take my picture for the license. I sit down and FLASH! I barely even looked at the camera! She says "couple of minutes hon" and is gone. So back I go to the chairs.

CUT to me....15 minutes later...no license yet. I know the damn thing printed out...I HEARD IT. They just keep walking back and forth in front of the printer. Finally a different lady idly looks at the printer and then yells...."CHRISTINE?!?!?!?!?!" Again...sprint to the counter...take the license and sprint for the door.

In the car, I look at the picture...not half bad! And the weight...believable...but 20 pounds off...hahahahhha! As I gleefully back out of the parking space, cackling like a mad woman...... BAM!

I hit a freaking car in the parking lot.

EIGHT MONTHS WITH AN INVALID LICENSE...NO PROBLEMS. TWO MINUTES WITH A VALID LICENSE AND I BACK INTO A CAR! What the hell is THAT all about??? I'm a much better scofflaw than I am a legal citizen. Lesson learned.