Yes. That's me. The hormone train has hit me full force and left me lying in a spitting, angry, clawing heap in it's wake. Perimenopausal I'm told. I can rip your kidney out through your nostril is what I FEEL.
I had a hysterectomy a couple of years ago and they left the egg factories behind assuring me that I would have a more natural approach to menopause. RIGHT. The guys down there in the ovaries who work on the egg production lines caught on very quickly when the shipments of eggs starting stacking up.
Ovary Foreman: "Why are we NOT sending these shipments to the uterus????"
Egg Peon: "Cap'n! I've been sendin um full pow'r! Seem's to be a problem in the tubes, sir!" (read that like Scotty on Star Trek would say it)
Ovary Foreman: "That's IT! Shut this place DOWN. Every body is LAID OFF!" (stomps into spleen and slams the pancreas)
Egg Peon: "Huh." (Pulls some lever and there's a horrible screeching sound as the ovaries come to a slamming stop...somewhere upstairs in my brain...I begin to hate everyone I see)
So I'm working the other day and all of a sudden I've got a sweat mustache....then I began to wonder how I could eliminate human life on the planet....OH MY GOD. A hot flash. I turned the air conditioner in the office to "hang a carcass in the room" and took off my consultation coat and fanned my self. Still sweating. RUNNING down my temples. I should have known this was coming because I had been noticing that I had been plucking chin hairs daily to avoid looking like the lead singer of ZZ Top. I ran it by a co-worker...she confirmed my fears and gleefully said "you know..this can last for up to TEN years". I ripped off her head and stuffed it in her lab coat pocket.
I'm going to have to take some sort of hormone replacement, because otherwise I'll end up on the evening news. "ILLINOIS WOMAN FOUND CHEWING ON A HUMAN LEG...SAYS HAIR TURNED OUT BAD TODAY". What do you take for this? Isn't there some non FDA approved herb grown in the wilds of Venezuela that interestingly enough is also an ingredient in Easy Off?
I'll try anything! Blue co hash? Black primrose? What the hell is it? Do I smoke it? Shoot it up? Sniff it? TELL ME AND NO ONE GETS HURT!!!!
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2 comments:
{{{Chris}}}
I sell Arbonne and they have a hormone balancing cream. I don't need it, tho, so I've not tried it out. It's supposed to be great, tho. If you are interested, I can get you ingredients list and send you a link to check it out. email me if you want to know more. luvscows@optonline.net
Ohhh (((((Chris)))))) But soooo funny! I was laughing out loud. Damn, girl, you are a clever writer! *Hugs and runs for cover*
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