Neyetmare

I've struggled with finding good contact prescriptions for the last several years. I blamed it on childbirth, weight loss, weight gain, barometric pressure, alien spacecraft...you know all those things that make you lose your sight. Turns out I have something called Pellucid Marginal Degeneration which is actually quite rare...and actually quite a pain in the ass. Long story short, I have goofy shaped eyes that no contact will fit on correctly thus I have distortion, blurring, and double vision...which are also the after effects of a bad bottle or come to think of it, even a good bottle of Chardonnay.

I finally went to a new eye doctor who had the answer to the problem! A new hybrid lens! HOORAY (confetti confetti confetti). I received the new lenses yesterday. Everyone at the eye doctor's office was quite excited because this was a (trumpet salute) NEW PRODUCT! So it was with some celebrity status (at least in the eye doctor's office...I'm big in Japan too) I left the office.

TWO HOURS LATER: Hey...the left contact feels a little funny...and not in a haha way. So I tried to take it out. Not working. Getting panicky...keep trying...will NOT budge.

FOUR HOURS LATER: Um...HELLO...it still won't come out! Now I'm stringing together swear words that don't usually go together. I'm also doing a little dance because my EYE HURTS. I'm home by now and my eye looks like I've been punched. My right eye is doing quite well thank you very much! I'm down right scared by now and finally I get the sucker...and I mean that in the truest sense of the word...off of my eye. PAIN!! Screaming yellow PAIN!!! I'm clutching my eye and hopping around the house trying not to scare my four year old who is looking at my quizzically by now. "Mama? Are you okay?" HOP HOP HOP "MMMYEP...UMMM...MMMM....I'MMMMMMGOOD". My husband arrives home and I'm still staggering around, now with a cold cloth on my eye which is now watering in constant streams down my face. "HRRTTTEYEYYEYEYEYEYE!" I mumble as a lurch past him towards the phone to call the eye doctor's office. They pick up...THANK GOD...and they say to come right down. Some IDIOT in my brain says...'well my daughter has a hair appointment' and the part of the brain that feels eye pain yells "PRIORITIZE YOU MORON!!". Joe drives me down the eye doctor's office while Emma asks 435,763 questions about eye doctors in the back seat.

The eye doctor informs me that I've lost a layer of epithelial tissue from my cornea (read as "ripped a big chunk out of your eyeball"...that sounds more impressive too). I get numbing drops (make you lose control of your eyelids too!), artificial tears (despite my eye watering like crazy) and a contact lens band aid which consists of a soft lens to go over the big scrapie on my eye. The new hybrid lens had apparently SUCKED itself onto my eye and was not interested at all in coming off...so it took a piece of me with it for a souvenir. He prescribed some pain drops and sent me off to the pharmacy. The pharmacist said..."Holy cow..what happened to YOU?"

Today I went to work and got the pity vote from my coworkers. I had the right lens in and the damn thing did the same thing to right eye! I'm now totally unable to see. My glasses prescription is wrong, I've got abrasions on both eyes. I didn't take out the lens today by myself, I let the doctor do it when I went back to see him this afternoon. He said it's the DAMNDEST thing he's ever seen. Yeah....me too.

I love being special. Now I can't see while I'm driving which makes driving with an expired sticker all that much more of an adventure.